What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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