In the future we'll all be gay
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize