I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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