just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
