I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
