my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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