I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
