"it" just moved
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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