Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
