why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
