Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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