Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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