if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
