he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize