I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
soo... how was my night?
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