Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
