I puked a lego.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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