Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
