The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
