I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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