i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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