his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
