I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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