please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
