It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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