I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
