she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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