Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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