you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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