You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
