So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
