Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
