If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I am naked and annoyed.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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