If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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