You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
