Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize