Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
