I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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