remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize