i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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