3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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