You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
