Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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