I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
