i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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