you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
