Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
