Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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