I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Randomize
