He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
