On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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