i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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