I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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