Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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