thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
