Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
