Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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