dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
