Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
