My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
