Already got asked if we're dating
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think I sprained my soul last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
