I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Holy shit dude........stairs
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