I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
