i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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